How to Love Your Inner Child
Trying to understand why I kept attracting emotionally unavailable men felt like a detective mystery until my counselor gave me the missing key. Life was only mirroring back my own inability to love myself.
Sure, I was conscious and aware of my painful feelings of rejection, but that didn’t seem to do much good. Being mindful of my pain lessened it’s bite but didn’t soften my heart. Apart from speaking to myself in more loving ways, my counselor suggested I start doing inner child work.
“Jupiter is transiting your second house,” she said. “This is a great time to do work that will earn you income in the future.” I was crouched on the linoleum floor, wiping snot and tears from my face, pining after a guy who had just gone to jail for a string of crimes. Suffice to say I didn’t have much faith in her words.
Knowing that I had a difficult and abusive childhood, she informed me that it was actually my unhealed inner child who was drawing in this relationship. She explained how the little girl I once was lived in my subconscious and was showing up as feelings of longing and unworthiness. It turned out that this relationship was the perfect trigger for her to surface and be healed. I didn’t know how to tell her that I felt like a raw wound. All I could do was cry and listen.
My counselor encouraged me to work with my inner child regularly by imagining her in my mind's eye. "The unconscious is stored as images, so it can be healed with imagery as well," she explained. She advised me to visualize being the loving parent I never had and giving myself the love and praise I so desperately wanted.
She guided me to work with my inner child energetically in a loving, gentle way. I was to ask her three questions: What did she believe about life, about herself and about others? After a long bout of being buried alive, it turned out my inner child had a lot to say. She hated herself, didn’t trust anyone and was deeply fearful of life.
I pictured her sitting on my lap, stroking her hair and telling her I loved her. I made a commitment to show up for her as best as I could. Like a fireplace heating up in an icy room, I felt her returning back to life.
While Pluto, the planet of transformation, made a harmonious five-year trine to my Venus (love) and Mercury (beliefs), my heart got torn open and stitched back up. As I worked with my inner child, my relationships also transformed. I attracted increasingly more loving partners, until I was not caught up in having a partner at all.
It’s been fourteen years since that fateful phone call. Now, when my inner child is upset, I take time to connect with her visually. Sometimes, I just hold her hand or tell her I love her. But I don’t wait to be triggered to check in with her. I ask her what she might like for a snack, how she feels about a new job opportunity and what would bring her joy. My relationship with her is the most sacred, healing and transformative one in my life. And it turns out, I did earn an income teaching others about it.
References
Trusting Life by Gina Lake (my former counselor) has a section on inner child work.
Awake is my memoir detailing my healing journey and the instrumental role inner child work played in my transformation.
Inner Child Alchemy is my Aura meditation on working with the inner child through imagery and inquiry. You can access a free 30 day Aura guest pass here.
Owning the Disowned Parts of Ourselves is my ten day Insight Timer course on shadow work and emotional healing, including a session on inner child work.